Sitting still for the first today today, I feel the heaviness and the tumbling questions…
The only light comes from the small living room lamp, while the sounds of the dryer heating clean laundered sheets make their way from the back entry. The heater kicks in, bringing warmth to tired little bodies, making the curtains ripple back and forth ever so slightly.
These days are long, and these days are hard.
The questions and doubts roll on my tongue, yet never seem to make it past my lips; the words are never spoken…
I once read that it’s okay to question, whilst not questioning Him. If ever there was a time when that was true, it would be now. And while the importance of holding fast to the One who is Truth and Light has never been more clear, why does it seem so hard to remember…
The noise is deafening, making most things sound like that teacher of Charlie Brown’s. And when the noise does subside, I find myself scurrying to find more, fearing what will happen if I allow myself to sit in the quiet for too long.
Nonetheless, here I find myself, in a low-lit, quiet moment in time. Putting pen to paper, I give myself permission to feel, and to be. As tired eyes well with tears, the questions begin to tumble out:
Why?
Why did we choose to sin; why do we continually, over and over and over again, choose to plant and reap that which is broken? Are we really worth all the fuss and muss of centuries upon centuries of gentle redirection, of beautiful, undeserving grace and mercy?
I can only attempt to grasp the dignity and worth and significance put upon us and our lives because of that simple, universe-altering answer: YES! We are worth it all, because He loves us that much.
...The other questions are still there, still lingering in these hard moments and seasons. But they hold no weight in the light of His mercy and grace.
Will it be okay? I don’t know.
Can it get any worse? Probably.
However our God is sovereign, and as my heart rate slows and my eyelids become heavy - having traded my heaven burden for His light one, once again - I am reminded that in the end, He will once again breathe life into these ashes...