Denying Oneself

The grief seemed to overwhelm me. It had been a hard season, harder than I allowed myself to acknowledge. By doing my best to fight the feelings and stuff them down, I had ignored many opportunities to open my ears and my heart to His whispers calling my name, believing that ignoring the pain was easier than allowing myself to fall to pieces in the arms of the One who so willingly carries me.

In the brief lull of the evening, after the boys I had tucked in bed were sleeping soundly, I felt myself give in to His call. Closing myself in my little office at the end of the hall, I turned on a lamp, lit some candles, and allowed myself to break as I rested in His embrace.

The grief was overwhelming.

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Calling the people and his disciples to himself, Jesus said to them, “If anyone would

come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever

gives up his life for my sake will find it. For what would it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul? And what could a man give in return for his soul?

Mark 8:34-37; Matthew 16:24-26

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As I wept, the stress and grief I had been bottling up inside came pouring out. I didn’t hide my feelings from Him, the anger, the sorrow, the questions. Ever so gently did He hold me, acknowledging, understanding, and empathizing.

It was in my vulnerability that I heard Him whispering into the depths of my being, reminding me that the process, for it is a process, of denying oneself and truly opening one’s heart and soul in submission to the One who brought it into being, is not a painless one. The act of living with one’s arms outstretched and palms open, the soul postured in exposed vulnerability to the רוּחַ (rûaḥ)1 of the great I AM, goes beyond explanation. Words cannot do justice to the wrenching pain of loss and grief, the loneliness, uncertainty and unfamiliarity of it all. And yet, words cannot do justice to the peace and the overwhelming beauty and joy, the freedom and grounding that coexist with the pain.

Remaining ever true, despite our occasional blindness, is the promise that though our grief may endure through the night, joy will surely rise with the dawning sun.2

Breathe.

Know His peace.

Let all that I am, every part of my being… Let all that I am praise the Lord.

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1 Hebrew word meaning Spirit of God, what is manifest in the Shekinah glory, and the very breath of life.

2 Psalm 30:5